Archive for the Me Category

Awakened and Grumpy

Posted in Me with tags , , , , , on March 14, 2014 by Eyeless

After a three-month writing hiatus, I have emerged from my burrow like a grumpy old marmot who has overslept Groundhog day and hasn’t yet realized Winter has been blown over and that Spring as just arrived. Punxsutawney Phil’s annual 15 minutes of fame is an important and prideful moment for any marmot. It is not something you simply miss out on. One fact that is important to know about the marmot is that it is a race of proud, subterranean people. Being elegantly minded but less elegantly locomoted and a bit insecure, the marmot is easily offended -far too easily.

All sorts of thoughts and ideas have been bubbling around in the tiny head of the dreaming marmot. Deep under those layers of fat and fur, a lullaby has been whispering secret messages that have travelled far from the past to speak of the future. But they did not lull him into deeper sleep, they stirred his dreams and upset his mind. This morning, his hibernation came to an end. A rather cool sun of the early Spring shone in his face and tickled his whiskers and dazzled his eyes. You do not mess with a marmot. You let the marmot sleep, and you let him sleep until he has fully rested. No one wants a grumpy marmot.

I can write about marmots for seven days straight.

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Notes About the Authentic Self from a Damaged Mind

Posted in Me, Thoughts and rants with tags , , , , , , on April 8, 2013 by Eyeless

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Try being yourself uncriticized – won’t fuckin’ work. As we are mirrors of our surroundings we will all become our own worst critics, sooner or later. We simply care so much about how our fellow humans see us that we can’t focus on how we see ourselves.

It shows in how we interact with our surroundings, in our hypocrisy, but it’s really all compromise & adaption. We change ourselves so that others will accept us, but still it is an uncomfortable change, for we want things to be  absolute and firm. What irritates us with change is that nothing stays the same. Ironically, nothing’s as absolute as the ever-changing Now – change is absolute chaos, and chaos is what it is – Everything.
The Now is the adapting presence that bridges all modes of time – past, present, future. What you do and who you are now is what remains of yesterday, and what will develop into whom you are tomorrow. Don’t hang up on trying to become yourself for the sake of others, instead try just being authentic for a while, change for your own sake. Then, what’s authentic?
Not having to think about what you should do, who you should be, where you should go. Authenticity is void of expectations. You don’t have to set your goals because they’re already in your gut. You don’t have to rely on trusting or doubting your feelings, that’s what the third eye is for – insight.
Your authentic self is unquestionably the Real you. Authentic is all that you already are, do, where you go & what you will develop into from the present. Authentic is every part of your existence that unites with the Now. Authenticity is important because we are the authors of our own lives, and as authors we all wear our own individual marks, scars and styles and it shows in our Everything. Authentic is the opposite of your questions – it is your answer.

Mandatory 2012 Reflections

Posted in Me with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2013 by Eyeless

I must say, it didn’t take so long to be so far into this year, or so it seems. For you who started working early in January, I have to say you missed some quality resting time. I certainly didn’t mind taking a week off.

So, whatever did I achieve last year? At the moment it feels like the most boring question ever. Though, it is actually quite important to see whereto you have gone in your development, at least in my eyes.

  1. I reunited with some old friends (<- which means the best among my old friends) during some awesome days at my brother’s place down in the hillbilly south. I also met some other old friends at random points during the year, which was refreshing.
  2. Got a new job last autumn that greatly stabilized my economic situation. I love it! Leaving my old job was releasing. […] and now I can spend money again!
  3. I read my first physical fiction book since… I don’t remember actually… But it was Tove jansson’s Pappan och Havet, which is the second last of the Moomin book series. It’s great.
  4. Started writing fiction again. Don’t think I have anything that could be posted here, though; it’s all written in Schwedish. Oh, well.
  5. Finished my first oil painting since 2010 (See top picture of it). I had been working on this somewhere in 2011, but I couldn’t manage to finish it back then. You don’t play with creativity, you know. That’s one bitter cat. Felt a great closure in finishing it during the Christmas holidays, and it opened me up a bit, so let’s paint some more!
  6. I also survived the end of the Mayan calendar, which was to be expected since I started this blog. I did forget to eat the cake though.* I still laugh at the claim that Mayans “miscalculated” the date and the “real” date is actually – who cares? Why bother? Anxiety-mongers will sooner or later die from a heart attack, anyway.
  7. I played out Halo 4 with my brother Martin at New Year’s eve. It was hell fun but very anticlimactic.
  8. Somewhere at the end of the Julian calendar, I realized I had NOT grown in my spiritual path, but I had faltered and greatly so. Even though this realization struck me as a hurting surprise at first, it has thrown me back onto the road towards enlightenment and broader awareness. Thus, I am of course thankful for realizing I had slipped.
  9. Oh, I also joined Twitter. Why the hell not, I figured.

*EDIT: I now remember that I did not forget the cake! I celebrated the Not-the-end-of-the-world-day with Aci by eating a punch roll (while she ate macarons), which served as a symbolic celebration cake.

Lazy Sunday

Posted in Me with tags , , , , , on October 15, 2012 by Eyeless

Ah, how I love lazy Sundays! It was such a long time ago since I had time to just be; to just sit my ass down and do whatever the fuck I feel like. You wake up late, the weather is nice, your apartment has just the right morning temperature (a perfect balance between warm and cold; just enough to make the hair stand out on your arms, but not enough to make your feet cold), and the morning coffee has never smelled so good before. Everything is beautiful; the yellow and red autumn trees, the flocks of birds leaving for a better climate, the glow from lit candles and yes, even the mess in the hallway.

Lazy Sundays are the days when no plans are allowed to get in the way. Just get some bread in the oven, kiss your loved one, sit down and play Little Big Planet while munching on breakfast, lay in bed for a while, take the train to your mother’s place and steal some food, go back home and play some Minecraft, bake scones and watch series… Ah, how I love lazy Sundays!

Wait a minute… It’s Monday, isn’t it?

…Nnnyyyaaaaaaahhhgghhh…

5 loves and 5 dislikes (or 10 things that sums up restlessness)

Posted in Me with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2012 by Eyeless

1. I love cold haricot verts, especially when they are almost frozen. They are so refreshing! I dislike when you order a new mobile phone and there is no USB cable provided in the box.

2. I love Spring and the smell of blooming flowers. It smells of life. I dislike when I get allergic reactions from those smells, though.

3. I love the taste of arrack balls and black coffee, especially when it is enjoyed while watching a setting sun. I (slightly) dislike having tons of song compositions playing in my head while there is no time to actually compose them.

4. I love the outcome of my latest dream sketch. It is almost an exact replica of my dream. I dislike however that I cannot remember the face of the person, whose missing face is the reason why the image isn’t complete.

5. I love that I will be ordering a new laptop soon, very soon. I dislike that I will be ordering a new laptop because my stationary computer is breaking down.

All in all, the present state of my life is quite pleasant, seeing that all positive and negative things do not negate each other. Despite my missing USB cable and the lack of time for composing songs, I still have tasty, nearly frozen haricot verts, and I am just about to enjoy a good cup of black coffee and a delightful arrack ball while watching the setting sun.

A short summary of what we’ve achieved and learned during 2011

Posted in Me with tags , , , on January 2, 2012 by Eyeless

Happy New Year or Something! Here is a short lump of text along with a list of great lessons learned and accomplished deeds. 2011 has for me been a great year in many ways, and thus I figured it needed some sort of “goodbye speech.” I have learned quite a lot this year; all enlightening, though some gratifying; some saddening. Of course.

In different ways and manners have I encountered new people, and been in social situations that have broadened my hitherto growing understanding of the human psyche. Alas, a lot of these social situations  have opened up my eyes to show me the grounds of stupidity and amorality that sums up the modern society of humans. Not that this was news to me, but saddening it is indeed to have one’s empirical theories confirmed. Never mind, this is what I have achieved and learned on the social plane:

  • I have worked for Save the Children, and thus learned that…
  • …a (huge, enormous, astronomical) lot of people are lacking in empathy toward others (not that this was anything new)
  • You have to imitate a clown to gain the interest of the above mentioned.

Moving to a more private sphere, I have taken some steps towards development here as well.

  • I have moved in with my girl friend Candy,
  • …as well as visiting her family. Very nice.

Everyone who has ever seen a Hollywood movie knows what an important step in life this is. As if I had but only one chance to impress utterly on her family and from there on never have to see them again. As if I didn’t want to. Anyway, let’s move on, as this list is beginning to look more like a regular blog post than a list. Considering the spiritual plane:

  • I have had a spiritual experience in grandfather’s sauna. Maybe I will write about it later, but I could not fit it in here. It was something new, though.
  • I have taken spiritually uplifting strolls through the forest during bright summer nights in Norrland. Very peaceful.
  • I have felt the presence of things I have been unable to see in houses of the deceased. Not sure what to think of that.

What else have I done?

  • I have had a gaming relapse (at least I am able to accept my addiction to Minecraft). Not that I wasn’t stranded at the computer anyway.
  • I have just recently started to regulate my consumption of coffee. You, know, for my health’s sake.
  • I have started a musical project on my own, Thamnocera, which is all about philosophy, meditation and the greatness of the Universe. A great way to channel my creativity.
  • I have failed to finish the one and only painting I have started on this year. Truly the saddest thing I never achieved.
  • The last film I saw 2011 was The Polar Express. Second place was Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie. Now, isn’t that an odd couple?
  • The greatest accomplishment this year was again the progress of my creative, philosophical and spiritual self, and along with it the many struggles I’ve fought and defeated together with my beloved Candy. It has taught me more than almost anything else.

I hope that during 2012 I will develop my creativity and spirituality further, and prove to myself that I haven’t lost my painting muse. I also want to be able prove that 2012 will not be the end of the world, so that Earth may continue to rotate and resonate with its beautiful song. What have you achieved and learned during 2011? What hopes do you have for 2012, if any?

Not Dead! (yet)

Posted in Me with tags , , on October 2, 2011 by Eyeless

Just so that all of you readers and non-readers out there, I am not dead! I have just not been so active… skipped all of September you know. And realizing how inactive I have been with this blog lately (well, I haven’t been inactive, just haven’t finished any of my one million drafts…), I felt that the least I could do was to remind you all that I’m alive. And I took the loveliest stroll today out in the woods. If you haven’t yet, you should try it out! It is really refreshing. 🙂