Katatonia – Distrust

“Heading for anything better than this“

“We have Lost”

“We have lost our grip and our face
Helplessly fading, slipping away
From Somewhere…out of space
Out of sight, or light of day

A dismal void, so dark and cold
Not a sound, Nor the slightest move
Two statues grey that shadows withhold
Cursed with distress… haunted by rue

Too far We have finally come,
Far from this ireful world again
Two stars without a sun
Trapped in pain without an end“

The Meaning of Life

Perhaps you have noticed that discussions late at night often –if not always- tend to stride from premature jokes to existential subjects? Now, how often do you not stumble upon the one question: What is the meaning of life? I think I can give you a fairly satisfying answer. Or lesson perhaps…

First though, I think we need to know what life and death really are. For indeed we cannot question something that we are unable to identify and expect a satisfying answer, am I right? Now, how do we define these?

Most of what we know about life circulates around carbon-based life forms, breathing, moving things, but we must also remember that there are other types of life. The old alchemists separated life in three different categories: animal kingdom, plant kingdom and mineral kingdom. To them everything had a soul, as stated above even minerals. Life does exist everywhere –only not always in the way that we know it.

And how do we define death? We know even less about that subject. To me, death is but a transitional phase in the cycle of life, for life is a cycle just like all other things in this world. But if this is true, it would mean that there is no “real” death, because there is no end in a cycle. Our conscience scatters with the rest of our decomposing body as we are devoured by maggots and insects, weather and wind. The energy that once composed our life now feeds their lives, gives them energy to live on, and creates new earth and dust to this world once we have passed through their tiny bodies…

I think now that I have somewhat given you my definitions of life and death, we could maybe see them as a whole, as I have said, a cycle of sorts. Would that really give us an answer? Well, the truth is, I am afraid, there might not be an answer. When I take part in these late night discussions about life and death, I sometimes sigh and say “This discussion is pointless, it has no value and will truly not develop into anything constructive, perhaps only lead to new questions at best.”

As I said when talking about death, I do not believe in it. And since death is the opposite of life, I cannot fully believe in life either. For humans tend to think of life and death as a straight line from beginning to end, black and white, while I differ in the way that I see our existence as a mere transfer of energies from one state to another, in a cycle which never really ends. For we all know that energy cannot be destroyed, only transformed into another kind of energy, but not many of us will realize that life is energy! We never die, we merely transform.

“42!” Said the computer to the people.

To give you a perhaps satisfying answer: Life is eternal, only you won’t reside in the same old shell all the time. Just like you change your clothes every other day, your soul or life energy will change the body it stays in. Whether it be human, plant or mineral, it does not really matter. But we live.

Shape of Despair – Still-Motion

“Bleeding inner to suffer with time.“

Agalloch – Kneel To the Cross

“And it’s ever so wrong to dare to be strong.”

Marilyn Manson – Man that you fear

“I was born into this, everything turns to shit.“

Another Thing I like to do

I like listening to music. And I like listening to Porcupine Tree. They are not my favourite band, but they make me feel very calm, and I love the lyrics.

The Reed

I long for the silencing atmosphere of the reeds, whispering in the evening breeze.

The reed is a true secret keeper. She digs deep inside to the core to the real meaning of things, to discover the truth hidden beneath layers of distraction. With her hands she unmasks almost anything, very easily and sometimes without strain. She loves stories, and is therefore easily drawn in by scandals, legend and lore. These tendencies would make her excellent as a historian, journalist, detective or maybe archaeologist. She may not show it, but deep inside she loves people, for they represent a diversity of meanings for her to interpret. They are like open wounds, with secrets literally bleeding through the skin under which their true selves hides.

An adept at coaxing people to attend to her, sometimes she might even appear as manipulative. However her strong sense of truth and honour will often prevent her to really hurt others, even though sometimes she does not realize that different people might react differently to her scheming. Deep inside, she has a longing for someone that is just like herself.

She is my companion and wingman-at-arms.

Severely Blue, Severed From You

Do you feel yourself in this? The type of pain that rips like a hacksaw through your stomach and chest, but still you can hardly shed a tear…The hate and chaos streaming inwards. I seldom show when I feel low, but earlier today I was really grumpy hehe. Well I got this severely depressed feeling about some things (useless, pointless things), and all people around me were suddenly extremely annoying, asking me irrelevant things while I was sorting out answers in my head for these troubles, and I would snarl at them to stop pestering me!

Internet is a good medium to contact other people and get comfort, because it is not as intimate and it is a more anonymous way to communicate in. Often you don’t want to talk to your family and friends because you are afraid of their reactions, plus with family there is always a risk of awkwardness when talking about these things. Bombing some person somewhere behind another computer screen with long texts like this can be a great way of ventilating one’s thoughts. The other person will not feel as stressed to quickly come up with an answer, but can instead take his time, pondering the words he is going to say to comfort you. Or, check out FML.

Though, reading about other people’s tragedies might also bring you deeper down, so it is not a safe way to go either. This is because depression is a state of utter ego; of selfishness, even though we do not realize this. It is a state when your thoughts circulate completely around yourself, only are other persons on your thoughts because you miss them and want them to comfort you, or because you believe they dislike you. Therefore if proven that others have it worse, your destructive mode can turn on, calling you stupid, vain, selfish and so on for not thinking on other people, so still it might turn out worse.

So again, the best way is to talk to someone who will do nothing but listen to your thoughts, and comfort you. If you talk face to face, let them hold you. This releases chemicals in your body; chemicals that your body is lacking at the moment of depression and could quickly make you feel better. If you do not have anyone, gather strength and bravery to talk to people online, on forums or via chat.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I am here for you. I want you to talk to me. I want to comfort you. For deep inside, I might truly love you all.

The Willow

In my grandmother’s garden stands an old willow tree.

The willow is ruled by the moon, and so her personality is holding hands with many of the mystical aspects of the lunar realm. She is highly creative, have highly intuitive psychic sense and intelligence. Very aware of cyclic patterns, she knows that every situation has a season, and every season has its mark. This grants her a vast perspective on the many things in this world, which is also why her patience is so great for she knows the positives on both sides of things and how to gain from these.

With her intelligence comes a natural ability to retain knowledge, especially artistic or philosophical, and she often subliminally impress her company with the ability to expound on subjects plain from memory. Although utterly burning from within with passion and potentials, she has the tendency to hold herself back in fear of appearing flamboyant or overindulgent. Though it is her perception that will ultimately allow her true nature to come forth and shine in the sun; and that is what will lead her on the path of greatness in the future.

This is me. I am the willow.